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bradsimanek.com
Thursday, October 30, 2003
I'll flash my smile for you but you might want to put on some dark glasses first.
Today's dental appointment was short and sweet: just a polish. No needles, no drilling, no post-appointment swelling or pain. A bit of sandblasting is all. I still have one more heavy-duty appointment to endure; today's polish was to remove the staining caused by the special mouthwash they prescribed for me after the oral surgery a few weeks ago and which I was told to stop using after a short time. I had even forgotten that I had been to the dentist today until the phone rang a few hours ago. The Caller ID said CVS Pharmacy. Hmmmm.
CVS lady: "A prescription has been called in for you by Dr. [Sandra's Dentist] and we wanted to verify it."
Me: "When was it called in? And what is it for? Not mouthwash, I hope."
CVS lady: "It was called in today. It's for Vicodin. Is this legitimate, or should I tear it up?"
Now, I am a huge wussy when it comes to pain and I have been known to jokingly request nitrous oxide for a routine cleaning, but I didn't today. In any event, that my dentist would prescribe me Vicodin after a cleaning seems somewhat extreme. The more so that he said nothing about it while I was in the office. Besides, I know for a fact that my dental-office record reflects that I specifically said no Vicodin or codeine-related anything for me, thanks. It gives me migraines and persecution dreams. This however, did not stop me from considering for a brief moment accepting the prescription, just in case. But something just wasn't right.
Me: "Which CVS are you calling from?" [I am guessing it's the one just down the block from me.]
CVS Lady: "I'm calling from Centreville. The prescription has your name and your phone number."
Me: "I don't live anywhere near Centreville. As a matter of fact, nothing personal but I get my prescriptions filled at Eckerd. I guess it was meant for someone else."
CVS Lady: "Ok, we'll cancel it. You should call your dentist to let him know."
Me: "I will!"
After I hung up I remembered a voice-mail message from last week, also from CVS, saying only "We want to verify a prescription called in for you." No doctor's name was mentioned in the message and since, as noted, I don't use CVS' pharmacy, I assumed it was a wrong number and didn't bother calling back. This is too weird.
I'm gonna call that dentist first thing tomorrow. You can bet your eye teeth.
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
8:43 PM
Coffee irregular
An early-morning errand precluded me from preparing my usual travel mug full of black coffee so I stopped at McDonald's post-errand and pre-work for a cuppa and, since I was there anyway, a Sausage McMuffin. Both remained untouched until I got to the office. It was then that I noticed that the McDonald's person had included 4, count 'em, 4 things of cream and SEVEN packets of sugar for use in my 12 oz. cup of coffee. What am I, a hummingbird?
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
5:12 PM
All the stage is a small world
Saturday's debut of the ComedySportz Minor Leagues went reasonably well. We played to a semi-full house. Some very good lines and big laughs, as usual. Mistakes were made but some were also self-corrected on the spot -- we're all getting good at knowing when we have just or are about to mess up. I was told the following day that one of the show's best-received lines was something I said about morphine during "Story" ("The Gingerbread House of Blood.") I only wish I could remember what I said! In another game I wasn't on fire but I *was* fire. Crackle, crackle. And got to use the line "Hose me down!" Huge laugh. Whoo!
Warning to friends and relatives not in attendance: the show was taped so if I can get my mitts on a copy there is a slight possibility that you might still have to sit through it. We watched it last night in class and performed a post-mortem. I never realized before how much I sound like Roseanne Barr. And look like her. Yish.
A freaky moment occurred after the show: as the audience was filing out of the "theater," which is a former Victoria's Secret in a current shopping mall, and running the high-five gauntlet of us played-out players, I saw a familiar face but one that I had not seen in ages and certainly not since long before I became involved with ComedySportz. It was a woman I had worked with at the same place as this guy from 1989-1994. A bunch of us support staffers from that office were tight at the time and kept in touch for a few years after a couple of rounds of layoffs and the eventual closing of the office scattered us. Hadn't seen any of the gang since the summer of 1999. Turns out that this person now works with one of my castmates and had come to watch him. Her: "So, you're doing this now?" Me: "Apparently!"
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
9:05 PM
brb
It's incredible how easy it is to slip out of a daily writing habit. My meager store of brain cells was taxed to the max last week and my energy, never high to begin with, was nonexistent. I'm hoping for a little more calm this coming week and even if that hope is dashed I will try to dash off at least a few lines here, starting tomorrow.
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
11:06 PM
Red, Fried and Blue
Excuse the recent silence here. It's been a non-blog-friendly couple of weeks what with the ongoing battle of Sandra vs. The Dentist ("This Time, It's Periodontal") and the resultant aching and medicating. Throw in an office move (same job, same building, new location) and (heh, heh) mounting preparations for this Saturday's debut of the ComedySportz Minor Leagues improv troupe and there's me fresh out of time and/or energy to type a few lines. I'm terribly ashamed. And, truth be told, not that fresh.
A few highlights of the past week:
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
9:22 PM
Maybe my teeth were floating
So I'm in the dentist chair again this afternoon for the beginning of the end of the root canal. There is a 5-minute lull in the action as they wait for an x-ray to develop. I realize that my bladder is approaching full, even though I went before I left for my appointment but I am unable to communicate this because my mouth is propped open and no one is within grunting distance. Ah, well. After another minute the dentist returns. "You need to go to the bathroom, right?" I nod vigorously, even as I wonder how she knew that. I hadn't to my knowledge been squirming. Damn, she's good, I think.
Later when my mouth was unpropped, I asked how she had known I had to go. "I didn't," came the reply. "It had been a long session already and I just assumed."
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
8:56 PM
4 + Plenty Laughs
In the News Only I Care About department, Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my Top Five List contributorhoodshipdom. As I learn to be funny out loud in my improv studies, I keep my humor writing skills toned by joining in the wackiness that is Top Five. Just having a list of current open topics handy as I make my way through the working week is enough to let the part of my brain that tends to run amok no matter what the task at hand, well, run amok. That my contributions appear to be well received and occasionally attract praise from readers and fellow contribs alike is merely icing on the anniversary cake.
Speaking of Top Five, a book covering highlight's from the list's early years (1994-1998) is finally out. It's called The TopFive Guide to Fighting Evildoers. Check it out. None of my work is in there since the covered time period predates my involvement, but I was touched to see that I am listed in the Acknowledgments section, and not for obeying the terms of the restraining order.
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
11:19 PM
The Oy of Yuks
Ah, the twin joys of coming up with a great line and while in the company of someone who gets it immediately, without asking for an explanation or, worse, misunderstanding then trying to correct you. Friend Marty, a fellow humor and computer geek, swung by my office to pick me up for lunch the other day. We are about the same age with mostly overlapping cultural reference pools and eerily similar whack senses of humor. Our conversations go from zero to surreal in mere seconds. As he waited for me by a rack of computer instruction manuals he noticed that the SQL manual had a registered trademark symbol, so it read "SQL®: Fundamentals of Query." He pointed it out to me all conversational-like, saying he hadn't known that the name SQL was trademarked. "No," I replied, shifting into surreal, "that symbol means it's kosher." Playing along, he asks "what makes it kosher? Do you have to write your SQL statements in Hebrew?" and I reply "no, it depends how you execute your query."
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
2:51 PM
Rx for snack theft
I spent about a half hour working on two nurses' computers in the on-site health unit this morning. They were having a snack of cookies and kindly offered to me some. I declined, saying I was just finishing up and had to get back to my office. "No problem," they said, " we'll fix you a care package." They handed it to me as I left. The contents? Samoas and some cheese and crackers. The packaging? A plastic bag marked "Specimen Only - Biohazard."
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
2:57 PM
Goodness gracious
I pulled up to the self-service pump and left the motor running while I rummaged in my bag for my credit card because a Springsteen song I like had just started playing. From the back of my mind, one of the sensible sectors presumably, came the thought that there was a reason that the rule at gas stations is Turn Engine Off. Danger. Ex-plos-i-on. Well, I'm not pumping the gas right now, retorted a more frivolous part of my brain, let me enjoy a few more bars of Bruce, willya? The sensible sector replied by silently directing my gaze to the guy filling his tank just a few feet away. Frivolity is groping for a good comeback -- much as my hands are groping for my credit card -- when The Boss settles the question by launching into the chorus of the song Frivolity has been digging so much. "Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire."
To quote Homer Simpson: "Rock stars. Is there anything they can't do?"
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
9:17 PM
The jawbone of a sass
I'm on the coming-to side of another stint in the dentist chair. I'll spare you the details but this visit involved incisions and bone removal. I was comfortably numb during the procedure but there was lots of tugging and pulling and at one time I swear that the dentist actually climbed into my mouth. I have painkillers at the ready but they knock me out. Dedicated humor writer that I am, I wanted to get online first and see if there are any deadlines tonight. Luckily there aren't. Good thing -- I feel funny but not funny ha-ha.
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
7:34 PM
Fire in the Hull
Today marks the beginning of Fire Prevention Week. It also happens to be my birthday. Thank you. In the interest of observing the former, I will refrain from putting candles on the cake celebrating the latter, especially since it is the 25th anniversary of my 18th birthday.
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
12:44 PM
Band of Bothers
At lunchtime today I took my watch to a jeweler in the mall across the street and selected a new band for it to replace the old one that was a few leather molecules away from falling apart. I chose a lovely navy blue band. The jeweler guy takes my watch and tells me to come back in 15 minutes to pick it up, smiling pseudo-politely at my lame "how will I know when 15 minutes are up?" joke and lamer follow-up joke request for a loaner watch.
When I pick up my watch approximately 15 mintues later and put it on it seems like it's backwards. The shorter band part, the one with the buckle, is on the lower half and the longer band part, the one with the holes, is on the top. When I put the end through the buckle I have to bend it away from me to put the buckle pin thingy in the hole. I mention this to the jeweler woman who took my money. She registers surprise that the jeweler guy - who BTW is nowhere to be seen - would make that mistake and suggests that it is just the stiffness of the new band that is throwing me off. I shrug. Ok.
But now that I've had time to think it over and have even tried taking the watch off and putting it back on upside-down I know that before, with my old watch band and all of its predecessors, the buckle part was on the top. With the new band, the loose tail of the band points toward the inside of my left wrist, below my left thumb. The tail of the old band pointed toward the outside of my wrist, below my left pinky.
It was the loaner watch joke and this is the jeweler's revenge, isn't it?
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
8:31 PM
Cart-esian Logic
More tales from the supermarket. As usual, carts are scarce even though the store is not crowded. I have learned to scan the store entrance beforehand then the mid-parking-lot cart shelters if the former is devoid of carts. I find a cart in the latter and push it across the asphalt and into the store. I proceed to shop. We take you now to the pet food aisle, where I am midway through my shopping and have a reasonably full cart. Enter a young mother with hyperkinetic toddler in tow. Mom has managed to get a cart but is having a hard time getting her child to stay put in the front child seat part, so much so that she hasn't selected any groceries yet. Enter another woman who has also found a cart and has two items in it, neither of which is a toddler. Mom notices immediately that the other woman's cart has a seatbelt in the child-sitting area while hers does not. She asks the woman if she can use the belts, and grouses that not all the carts have them like they used to. The other woman agrees and reaches toward her cart to remove her 2 items but Mom has already begun attempting to remove the seat belt. Unsuccessfully, since they are secured by rivets. The other woman just looks on dumbfounded as Mom struggles in vain to transfer the seatbelt from one cart to the other. I have been standing a few feet away during all this. I wait for the other woman to make the obvious offer but she keeps staring at Mom in her futile struggle. I can stand it no longer. "Um, why don't you two just switch carts?" I ask. You can actually see the light bulb go on in Mom's head. "That's brilliant!" she says, "Thank you!" The other woman looks relieved. Me, I wonder if I should narc on the guy a few aisles over who took a cart complete with baby carrier, even though he looked more like the type that ate babies for breakfast. Raw.
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
8:15 PM
Born-on date: right on!
The checker at the grocery store didn't bother checking my ID for the bottle of wine included with my stuff. That I can forgive; the store was busy and I'm sure I was looking well over 21. She had the good grace though to do something some of her colleagues have failed to do in the past: when entering an arbitrary birthdate to be able to continue with the sale, she erred on the side of flattery bordering on fantasy: she put 10/16/80! Just like that [snap fingers] I became 20 years younger!
this piece woven by Sandra Hull @
9:14 PM