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              TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS -- PETS
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       Cut twice the size of cage floor, then fold in half.


                          April 9, 2001

                         NOTE FROM SANDRA:

     This week's list was inspired by a news item concerning
    a Maine man who claims that he and his dog "live together
     as a married couple."  Plenty of things wrong with that 
        picture, especially from the dog's point of view.
        Here are some things Mr. "I Heart My Dog Waaaaay
                 Too Much" neglected to consider:


       The Top 9 Worst Things About Being Married to a Pet


 9> Goldfish: Constantly complaining, "You never take me anywhere."

 8> Most of the wedding gifts from her side of the family are 
    dead animals.

 7> Honeymoon budget shot to hell after you settle out of 
    court with the jeweler your fiancée mauled the during 
    the ring-sizing.

 6> Rabbit: Goes berserk when you mistake her for a slipper.

 5> Dog: The fact that he can lick his own balls greatly 
    reduces your leverage in disagreements.

 4> Dog: It's only your first anniversary and she's got the 
    7-year itch.

 3> Bird: Oral sex is downright painful.

 2> People always comment on the "age difference" thing.


    and the Number 1 Worst Thing About Being Married to a Pet...


 1> Well-meaning parents who think you won't notice they've 
    replaced your wife with a similar-looking one after she dies.



              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]
              [       http://www.topfive.com       ]



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Selected from 48 submissions from 16 contributors.
Today's Top 5 Pets List authors are:
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Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA --  1  (Good boy! 1st #1)
Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY     --  2
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX            --  3
Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, MD    --  4, Banner tag
Peg Warner, Exeter, NH            --  5, 8
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL         --  6
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA --  7
Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA  --  8
Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA    --  8
Mike Wolf, Brookline, MA          --  9
Peg Warner, Exeter, NH            --  Topic
Bob Van Voris, New York, NY       --  Topic
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA --  Runner Up list name
Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA    --  Honorable Mention list name
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA        --  List Vet

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            Worst Things About Being Married to a Pet
                  RUNNERS UP list  --  Ringworms
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Cat: Though stimulating at first, that sandpaper tongue has led 
to more than a few soft-tissue abrasions.
          (Adam Chunn, Houston, TX)

Cat: You can't show your face at Audubon Society meetings 
anymore.
          (Mike Wolf, Brookline, MA)

Dog: "I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may hump 
the bride's leg."
          (Bob Van Voris, New York, NY)

Dog: Wife keeps nagging you to read "Men are from Mars, 
Dogs are from Pluto."
          (Bob Van Voris, New York, NY)

Every time she goes into heat she forgets that she promised 
herself to you and you alone.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Her friends all think you're one of those hoity-toity hairless
breeds.
          (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, MD)

Kangaroo: It's REALLY hard to get a good night's sleep inside
your wife's pouch.
          (Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)

Parrot: Offers you that friggin' cracker at every single meal.
          (Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)

Snake: The sex can be pretty disgusting if he's still got an 
undigested mouse lump in his belly.
          (Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)


Runner Up list name
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)

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            Worst Things About Being Married to a Pet
              HONORABLE MENTION list  --  Matrimoany
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At 6am every morning, Fido makes you fetch the paper.
          (Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)

Cat: always leaves the seat up on the litter box.
          (Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

Cat: When you give your spouse a bath, the hair sticks to 
your tongue.
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)

Dog: Always loses wedding ring by burying it in the yard.
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)

Dog: You think *human* morning breath is bad?
          (Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)

Goat: Keeps eating the wedding band.
          (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA)

Horse: Nag, nag, nag....
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)

Monkey: Unfortunately, 'nit-picking' ISN'T just a figure of 
speech.
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)

Penguin: The wedding was months ago but he refuses to change 
out of his tuxedo.
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)

Pet Rock: *YOU* are the one who always has to answer the phone.
          (Adam Chunn, Houston, TX)

PETA meetings conflict with PTA meetings.
          (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA)

Porcupine: She always wants to cuddle.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Squirrel: He never remembers where he put his nuts.
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)


Honorable Mention list name
          (Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)


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[      Copyright 2001 by Chris White   All rights reserved.      ]
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