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              TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS -- PETS
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             Thou shall have no other cats before me,
               or I shall be an angry, hissing cat.


                          June 18, 2001

                     NOTE FROM THE LIST VET:

     June is National Adopt-A-Cat Month. We urge you to visit
     your local animal shelter and pick up a pussycat or two. 
     As an added public service, we have drawn up a list of...


     The Top 9 Least Known Steps in the Cat Adoption Process


 9> Applicants spend hours in the waiting room being ignored,
    and when they try to read a magazine the receptionist walks 
    across the page.

 8> Mandatory psychological therapy to prepare you for the 
    dichotomy of believing that you own the cat, and the 
    knowledge that the cat owns you.

 7> Smarter cats beginning to insist on a "total non-dog clause"
    in the pet/owner contract.

 6> You are forced to view "Homeward Bound" to check your 
    reaction when Sassy is injured.

 5> The spaying of the future owner.

 4> Agency representatives perform a surprise home inspection 
    during which they run a cheese grater over your furniture.

 3> Catnip type and cross match.

 2> Pick up a couple of extra puncture repair kits for the 
    water bed.


and the Number 1 Least Known Step in the Cat Adoption Process...


 1> Must demonstrate ability to differentiate between a wet Brillo
    pad and a newly regurgitated hairball... in the dark with just
    your toes.



              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]
              [       http://www.topfive.com       ]



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Selected from 49 submissions from 19 contributors.
This week's Top5 Pets List authors are:
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Adam Chunn, Houston, TX            -- 1 (Attaboy! 1st #1)
Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia  -- 2
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL          -- 3
Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA   -- 4
Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI      -- 4
Chuck Schultz, Eastaboga, AL       -- 4
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX             -- 5
Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA           -- 6
Dawson E. Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA    -- 7, 8
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY         -- 9
Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA     -- Topic
Justin Cascio, Perth Amboy, NJ     -- Banner Tag
Eric Lipton, Washington, DC        -- Runner Up list name
Virgil Steigerwald, Cleveland, OH  -- Honorable Mention list name
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA         -- List Vet

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          Least Known Steps in the Cat Adoption Process
                  RUNNERS UP list  --  Catatonic
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You don't adopt the cat, the cat consents to cohabitating 
with you.
          (Justin Cascio, Perth Amboy, NJ)

Color coordination with furniture upholstery for optimum 
blendability of cat hair.
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA )

DNA testing to detect any taint of dog blood in prospective 
owners.
          (Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

It helps if you kill a rodent and submit it as a gift with your 
adoption form.
          (Adam Chunn, Houston, TX)

Legal and financial proceeding, similar to closing on a house, 
in which ownership of home is turned over to the selected cat.
          (Brian Foster, Fairfax, VA)

Mandatory five-day waiting period during which a thorough 
background check is run to ensure you have no pesky distractions,
like a job or a family or a hobby, that would keep you from 
properly serving and attending to the cat.
          (Brian Foster, Fairfax, VA)
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)

The correct response to "Did you like your last cat?" is not 
"She tasted great."
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)

To prove their commitment, potential applicants must find six 
people wearing furs, put them in a burlap sack and drown them.
          (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

You must sign a damaged-couch waiver.
          (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY)

You must watch a video of a cat running toward, then bouncing 
off, a plate glass door -- and not laugh.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)


Runner Up list name
          (Eric Lipton, Washington, DC)

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          Least Known Steps in the Cat Adoption Process
         HONORABLE MENTION list  --  Missed by a Whisker
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"I have to ask -- is there a reason why you can't give birth to 
your own litter?"
          (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

Brief visitations to become sufficiently indifferent to each 
other.
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)

Bring lots of toys and treats to the adoption center to make sure
your prospective pet shows you proper snubbing compatibility.
          (Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI)

Completion of a mandatory 12-step cat-anger management course.
          (Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)

Learning that the cat has hired you as a member of his "staff."
          (Kate Melnyk, Attleboro, MA)

Make sacrifices of catnip and fine Italian leather upholstery 
to appease the potential adoptee.
          (Justin Cascio, Perth Amboy, NJ)
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
          (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)

Sworn statement from potential owner stating that they will 
submit to the will of the cat.
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)

Testing to see if the prospective human companion can interpret 
and obey the cat's directions properly.
          (Chuck Schultz, Eastaboga, AL)

The requirement to sign the legal document that will compel you
to refer to the animal as "Fluffy, Queen of All She Surveys."
          (Dawson E. Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

You must have 36 character references from cat owners.
          (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY)

You stop buying house plants.
          (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA)


Honorable Mention list name
          (Virgil Steigerwald, Cleveland, OH)




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[      Copyright 2001 by Chris White   All rights reserved.      ]
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[          in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com"         ]
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