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              TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS -- PETS
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         "Hi.  My name is Rex.  I drink from the toilet."


                         August 13, 2001


     The Top 10 Signs Your Pet Has a Substance Abuse Problem


10> "Polly *need* a cracker.  Come on, man, help me out here!"

 9> You see all of his squeak toys in a local pawn shop window.

 8> The budgie's not pecking at herself in the mirror, she's 
    snorting lines off of it.

 7> Whitney Houston's number shows up on your cat's pager.

 6> You have the only hamster in town with dreadlocks and a 
    Jamaican flag in his cage.

 5> Half your Prozac prescription is missing and your ferret 
    hasn't been curious about anything for weeks.

 4> Every time you release her, the carrier pigeon heads straight
    for Ben Affleck's house.

 3> You keep finding his collar tied tightly around his left 
    front leg.

 2> He lies about where he's been and what happened to the 
    money you gave him.


 and the Number 1 Sign Your Pet Has a Substance Abuse Problem...


 1> Your dog would rather lick frogs in the back yard than his
    own testicles.



              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]
              [       http://www.topfive.com       ]



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Selected from 36 submissions from 14 contributors.
Today's Top 5 Pets List authors are:
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Dawson E. Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA   -- 1, 8  (Good boy! 2nd #1)
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX            -- 2, Banner Tag
Adam Chunn, Houston, TX           -- 3
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA      -- 4
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA -- 5, RU list name
James Knowles, Bellingham, WA     -- 6, Topic
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY        -- 7
Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ           -- 9
Doug Finney, Houston, TX          -- 10
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA        -- List Vet

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           Signs Your Pet Has a Substance Abuse Problem
                RUNNERS UP list  --  Cold Turkeys
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"Bwaaaak!  Give me some crack!  Bwaaaak!  Give me some crack!"
          (Kate Melnyk, Attleboro, MA)

Checks himself into The Liberty Ford Center.
          (Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)

He drinks like a... oh.
          (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

Instead of the morning newspaper, Rover brings you his bong.
          (Chris White, Los Angeles, CA)

Keeps trying to exchange her kittens for catnip.
          (Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)
          (Dave Ferry, Leesburg, VA)

That's not powdered milk around Kitty's nostrils.
          (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY)

The aquarium is littered with used syringes.
          (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

Wakes you up in the middle of the night because he now has
the "munchies."
          (Kate Melnyk, Attleboro, MA)

You catch him grinding up his kibbles and then adding manitol
to them.
          (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

You find several hundred Twinkie wrappers under his kitty bed.
          (James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)

Your cat is SO giddy from too-frequent catnip "nips," it 
consistently forgets to be disdainful.
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)

Your dog has that glazed, slack-jaw look -- yet he's not 
listening to Britney Spears.
          (James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)


Runner Up list name
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)



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