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              TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS -- PETS
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                A whole new way to get some tail.


                         October 6, 2003

                     NOTE FROM THE LIST VET:

    Georgia recently opened its first alligator hunting season 
       to help curb overpopulation. *Gator* overpopulation, 
                       we're pretty sure. 
   Hunters were provided with a pamphlet on alligator hunting,
      but how much information can a paltry pamphlet hold? 
      We here at Top5 Pets wonder what sort of information 
                         was left out.


               The Top 9 Stupid Gator Hunting Tips


9> Before you kill a gator, stick your leg down its throat to 
    make sure the boots'll compliment your coloring.

8> Float on your belly and carry a measuring tape and a big 
    stick. When the gator gets close, climb on its back and 
    measure it. If it's over four feet long, whack it on the 
    head.

7> Get right in the water to go after the gator. He won't be 
    able to open his mouth without taking in enough water to 
    drown.

6> Trick him into leaving the water with your fabulous 
    gator-in-heat call.

5> Let him think you're one of his kind. Slip into the water 
    and swim up to him, staring him straight in the eye. If he      
    accepts you, put a leash around his neck and walk him onto 
    dry land.

4> You can hypnotize a gator by gazing into its eyes and 
    reciting Scarlett O'Hara's "As God is my witness, I'll never 
    go hungry again!" speech from "Gone With The Wind."

3> Just for the fun of it, sneak up behind one and pull its tail
    off. Don't worry, it'll grow back.

2> Get good and liquored up. That way if the gator bites you, 
    the alcohol will enter his bloodstream, making him easier to 
    subdue.


            and the Number 1 Stupid Gator Hunting Tip...


1> Don't shoot without first making sure your target is a gator 
    and not a feral suitcase.



             [   Copyright 2003 by Chris White    ]
             [       http://www.topfive.com       ]


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Selected from 36 submissions from 13 contributors.
Today's Top5 Pets List authors are:
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James Knowles, Bellingham, WA     -- 1 (16th #1)
Brad Wilkerson, El Sobrante, CA   -- 2
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA      -- 3, 9, RU list name
Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA    -- 4
Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY     -- 5
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX            -- 6, 7
Marlene K. Goodman, Wheeling, IL -- 8
Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA          -- Topic
Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA -- Banner Tag
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA        -- List Vet

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                    Stupid Gator Hunting Tips
                RUNNERS UP list -- Tail Gators
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Alligators never attack people wearing Izod shirts.
          (Mike Wolf, Brookline, MA )

Any slacker can find a gator in the swamps. *REAL* sportsmen hunt
gators in the hills.
          (James Knowles, Bellingham, WA)

California gubernatorial candidates make for good and plentiful 
bait, but make sure you thread the hook forward through the 
digestive system.
          (Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia)
          (Rabbi Crut, Bowling Green, OH)

Don't be afraid to get in close; alligators have really short legs
so how fast could they possibly run?
          (Melanie Stephens, Manassas, VA)

Grab hold of his tail. He's helpless in this position.
          (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY)

Jump in the water with 'em and thrash around a lot. Sensing your
evolutionary superiority, they'll climb up on the bank and 
submissively roll over on their backs.
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

No need for guns: Just bring your alligator bag and they'll climb
right in!
          (Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)

Scratch him behind the ears and he'll follow you anywhere.
          (Judy Goodman, Wilmette, IL)


Runner Up list name
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

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